Felt that I have completely lost myself these days. Life has become so mundane that somehow it lacks a meaning. Perhaps I have taken too many blows that I have been knock out and down so badly without realizing it myself.

I'm thankful to have a lot of very caring friends around me who rally behind me whenever I'm down. Without these people I guess I wouldn't have come through all the downs so fast. But still, I am ashame of myself for too many times I have turned around and walked back the same path that brought about so much misery. My inability to let go. And because of this I have been letting my friends who want to see me get better, down.

The 3 years of persistence has come to nothing in the end. I can even say I was betrayed and lied to right till the very end. For all that I have given up, for all that I have done, for all that I have put up with, in the end, I got back lies and more lies.

I was too naive to believe that with sincerity, I can move people. I was too naive to believe that if I put my heart into something, eventually I will succeed. I was too naive to believe all that has been said and told when it was just lies. I am 31 this year and yet, I think like a child. Too naive.

Now I am back to where I have started before. A big circle. When people around me have move on. At times, it has come to a point where I hated myself for my stupidity. Despite being told repeatedly, despite being warned about, despite being advised.

I really have to learn this time. I cannot afford to waste anymore time on people who does not deserve my kindness. I need to stay away from people who sucked my away my laughter, sucked away my joy, sucked away love.

This entry is meant for you.

Once again, your erratics shows. A good month followed by another bad. A lot of questions in my mind whenever you start to give me the cold shoulder.

For a good month we have been meeting. You have been sharing with me your daily rants and I was more then glad to be around for you. You seem so much happier and seeing you smile so often really makes my day. Suddenly out of nowhere I was given the cold treatment from you. It seems like sunshine today and thunderstorm the next.

Just what exactly is wrong? How is it that your attitude towards me can change so fast? And the best thing is that when I try to find out why, I was given some lame reasons - you were tired and busy. You mean, you have become busy all of a sudden and tired all of a sudden? You didn't change job, neither does your routine. How is that you can become SOOOOO busy just like that. Or is that all of a sudden you find me an irritant? That I have been touchy at times with you and that you hate it? Why is it that it takes you a whole month to realise this? If I have been such irritant why did you agree to me almost on a daily basis? You would have rejected my request after a week right? But you didn't.

I have know you for 3 years. Chased you for 3 years. Been there for you for 3 years. And yet, I get the barest of respect from you even as friend. I certainly don't deserve that kind of shut-out treatment from you. At the very least, you could have spoken to me. I am terribly disappointed and upset. Despite all that I have done for you, I am being given this sort of treatment. Is it that you cannot stand people being nice to you? That you take for granted people who are genuinely concern about you? You have the most difficult attitude and yet I do my best to accommodate. Your sporadic deserve for Starbucks milk. Your ever temperamental gastric. Your ever changing mind.

Yes, you did not request for it. Yes I did it on my own accord. All of that is because I like you a lot. I have never feel so intense about a person before. Despite all those short coming of yours, I still look forward to seeing you every time. And when I see you smile, somehow your shortcomings gets forgotten.

I really hope you can talk to me instead of shutting up on me like that. It ain't helping your cause because by doing that you are only creating more questions in me and I will want to seek out the answers to those question. Trying to push me away by brute force will only reignite my desire to remain where I am.

For all that I have done for you, at the very least, I deserve the truth from you and not lies.

I love my job. But no the people who are running it. The only thing that the management cares about is the $$$.

Forget about the great technology. It does not matter how great the technological innovation is if it doesn't sells. That is the sad fact of Singapore.

R&D in Singapore? I think it will just fail like the pharmaceutical and life sciences.

How is it that you can changed so fast all of a sudden puzzles me.

I'm not very free like you claim so. But it is just that I choose to have you as a bigger priority then myself. Placing you way before me. I'm sad that you couldn't get that point or at least appreciate that point.

Really wish that you can share with me your thoughts rather then keep me out of it.